“The Minotaur Affair”
By Idaho Chubbs
"We'll make great pets, we'll make great pets, we'll make great pets, we'll make great pets." The Minotaur would never resort to such indulgent musings. We would strictly be sexually organic carbs for him to feast upon. Brody meat is so outrageously expensive at Whole Foods. Sloor is a lot cheaper of course, which you can get at any Safeway, Vons, Finast…even Ralph's. Hmmm…I could really use some Glob right now; that would really make me happy. “Prince, can you and The Mighty Doorock procure some for me? Splendid!!! Ahhh but I digress…much; fear not my fair Colossus! Do not be jealous of the Minotaur’s prowess for flesh eating and maze jumping, for you can surely best him in deep-dish pizza consumption, epic story-telling and guitar slaying. So rest your weary cubiclean bones my brethren and settle in for an excerpt from some time travel delight and wonder about The Minotaur and Mordrid, the wicked wizard who put us asunder. …or rather, the opposite of that.
6th Century A.D. Britain: I had developed a not so private relationship with Mordrid's ex-girlfriend Clytemnestra during our elongated visit in Camelot. King and Prince were there doing research for Tesla, but I was just along for the ride so I had free time to pursue some extracurricular activity. We made a good wage by serving as the band for King Oothur (Arthur's father) and his high court. Even when Brody and Tebow had finished their work, I had no intention of leaving right away due to my wonder-lust. Mordrid had never gotten over his ex. The evil wizard uncovered our love and despite Merlin and Arthur's help, he was able convert our souls (by sprinkling fermented Nectar dust over our eyes) into the great form of the lusty wench Heidi from the hit show THE HILLS (Merlin loves Audrina) and dispatched this lithe creature into the Minotaur's realm to be devoured in every possible way imaginable. The only reason we survived was because T2000 seduced Merlin (going all cylon #6 on him) as his ex, got our where-abouts, and rescued us last minute. We got cured by Merlin and all four of us returned to the 1920s where we are all, obviously, in therapy now; splitting time with Freud and Jung. Ugh, it will be a while before the guys forgive me for that one.
“Wormholes, Phone-booths, Res Geste, Oh My!" - A Response to Idaho.
By King Brody
Lest you forget IC, you fully redeemed yourself by bribing T2000 with the first batch of Brody nectar (c.1986), a game-worn Gretzky jersey from the '83 Stanley Cup (Isles sweep btw, suck it Wayne), and a one night stand with Mordrid. T was so pleased he allowed you to borrow the phone booth from Bill and Ted and the wormhole from Donnie Darko. Your selflessness prevailed Chubbs, and you bestowed both time travel vessels on your partners in crime. Teebs chose the booth and, for reasons still deemed to puzzling to figure, traveled back to Temecula, California 1993-94 and took the form of a wiry, long haired, obnoxious lacrosse player. For two years he dominated the scene becoming somewhat of a local sensation. Local press clippings from the time reveal that he was desired by both men, women, and machine, and had little regard for the opposition and the English language. "I just find holes in the defense and put in in real quick" was the lone quote attributed to Tebow at this time, found in a leather bound tome entitled Res Geste. My wormhole journey was much more riveting, for I ended up in Coram, 1985, helping the future President of the Galaxy design construction paper collages depicting various battle scenes from video games and television shows about video games. He taught me everything I needed to know, from Caleco Vision to Don Mattingly to why he was always wearing a Tony Dorsett jersey. This meeting provided me with all the knowledge I needed to bring Og Thor to his knees the next time we do battle. Plus, I can now show my many amigos how to artfully depict the famous battle between Mario and Donkey Kong Junior.
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