Laptops and BCS Bowls for Everybody!!!

by Idaho Chubbs

College football has taken some interesting turns the past month. Fashion Week uniforms finally debuted in robust density. Pitt and West Virginia clashed as if both were tussling for touchdowns on a runway in Chelsea. Ohio State tore apart Rich Rodriguez's chance at reclaiming his job next fall with their candy red apple helmets and long gray socks. The Beavers from Oregon State verses the Ducks from Oregon gave me the sense that I was witnessing a 1950's Princeton Tiger football team battle winged alien pewter-colored rats with "O"s burned into the side of their diamond encrusted heads. My lust for ridiculously clad football playing college humans had been quenched.

On to the BCS dilemma and the futile match-ups that are in store for our viewing displeasure five weeks from now. Boise State still has people second guessing them because their kicker could not hit some chip shots. What league are they moving into next year again? "The Mountain West Adirondack Appalachian Sun God Division"? Seems like it still won't matter. Auburn escaped The Crimson Nick Saban Traitors (Who hasn't been betrayed by this football coaching Benedict Arnold? I didn't grow up in the French Quarter of Jefferson purchased land or see my childhood pass me by in Miami's bird cage, yet even I want Saban to meet a fate that rivals any Greek Tragedy) after being down 24 points, and Oregon's uniforms keep getting weirder and they keep winning. Wisconsin is putting basketball scores up, and might beat anybody right now, but we'll never know due to the wonderful BCS. But they are playing TCU and if the Horned-Frogs beat the Badgers, then we will give them respect...no we won't, still a weak schedule. I'm sure that joining The Big East will take care of that...? College football is such a mess, but wait we do have the Sun Bowl with The U and Notre Dame, "Catholics vs Convicts", or maybe "Good students who play football reasonably well" vs "Better athletes who graduate now, don't get in trouble, and have no chance of winning national championships". Sorry Randy Shannon, good grades don't win BCS football crystal.

Kyle Brotzman immediately departed for Hades once Nevada kicked the winning field goal to annihilate any chance of his team going to a BCS Bowl. Mad Glen and I were down there getting some refurbished laptops out of storage when I encountered a football playing kicker crossing The River Styxx with Charon.

"Hey Charon", I said. "He's coming back with us."

Brotzman looked confused and forlorn. He could not even think about facing the world, especially his Boise brethren after missing two field goals that both pretty much equalled extra point distance. I told him I understood, but it was a momentary lapse and that even if they had gone undefeated there would have been no national championship, which pretty much was the last zenith of progress Boise could truly achieve.

"Besides, you stand to make loads of USA paper currency in the NFL for kicking a football every now and again one day a week. Come with Glen and me, it's time to get you back home to Idaho.

So Boise lands itself in a game vs Utah--The Las Vegas Bowl. I believe the well rounded student-athletes in South Bend crushed the Utes earlier this year. This will definitely be a game for the ages, 56-10 Broncos. Ohio State vs Arkansas, wonderful; over-rated QB vs over-rated QB. Both wear about 5 leg braces right? Mallet sealed his fate against Alabama, and that horrible red-neck-red sox facial hair beard isn't doing anyone any favors. How much better is Cam Newton than Pryor?--bigger, taller, faster, can pass quite well, and no ugly knee braces, AND plays for Bo Jackson's school, which is way cooler than Eddie Georges' alma mater. Hmmm Oklahoma vs Uconn--Are the Huskies the new Boise? Probably not and I would actually like to see Landry Jones and Kellen Moore shoot it out against each other, but alas, the BCS can't even get good bowl match-ups. Ok, we got it, no playoffs, even though people on Mars want it, but at least give us decent football games to enjoy. Stanford vs Virginia Tech seems ok I guess. I wonder when the Hokies are going to get over that hump and run a different offense so they aren't the same team that is good every year but can't win a National championship. You're never going to find Michael Vick again, even someone related to him is NOT him. Move on and grab a sweet pocket passer, you will be awesome.

So suffice it to say, I will probably be watching, count them, two bowl games; the national championship and "Catholics vs "Wish they were camouflaged Convicts Again" for nostalgia purposes. But what I have not talked about is that I will be coaching in one bowl game as well. I know what you're thinking, Hawaii vs Tulsa in The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, nope, King Brody and Prince Tebow have those duties. Both have been the coaches for quite some time, but their slacking and preoccupation with their personal identities has caused the storied Rainbow Brody's program to bleed into an inception nightmare where they are not so good and get slaughtered by Boise; when in my realm they should be the ones doing the slaughtering. A decade ago Mad Glen and I left, and even though Hawaii sort of, kind of tied with Nevada and Kellen Moore as league champs, it is simply not good enough.

King Brody's match.com Norewgian reality show shenanigans with ivy league porn stars, that even Carl Jung's Red Book would be ashamed of in his wildest Xanex dreams, had caused him to lose focus on his coaching sports prowess. His bout in coming to grips with some sort of balance between fiction and reality was starting to eat away at his mind. He mostly lived inside his head, but his actual head always existed in reality, even though physically it was quite small and could be missing from literal human viewpoint if he was seen wearing a mascot uniform without the mask (which he often did on third match.com dates accompanied by a spot on "Ray Lewis pre-game exultation Nectar Dance"). When not frightfully insecure about his relationship with the opposite sex and them thinking he was an incarnation of Patrick Bateman's character playing-self, he was frightfully and horribly SECURE when getting the smallest shred of a positive signal from one. When a real life human woman fell head over heels for him, King Brody literally transformed into a combination of The Dark Lord Cthulu and Character the Bear's five split personalities' playing non, AND character versions of themselves simultaneously as they   became one entity who resembled something along the lines of John Mayer meets Hugh Hefner meets Bradley Cooper meets Satan's version of a orphaned son who was sold into indentured servitude by his mother. He would become so secure in fact, that when a woman desired his company in the bedroom, for conversation or even a casual glass of wine while making short snuff films with his 1995 digital camera, he would recoil with sociopathic glee because any female in want of his physical as well as mental form, was surely insane. He would never belong to a club that would have him as member. On the rare occasion where he found himself feeling normal people feelings, wanting acceptance or something resembling a "I like like you" sentiment, he would send late night flowers to the club that he wanted to join. But they never would accept him, hence King wanting to belong even more. This was, is, and always would be his tragedy.

As King was feebly attempting to rejoin the human race Prince Tebow was feebly attempting to cut himself off from it.  His favorite activity of self-nectar gassing with the melodious Manhattan combination of Clearly Canadian whiskey, lusciously sweet vermouth, and embittered cherry juice jubilee had reached an all-time high (straight vodka pretty much did the trick too), to the point where he almost threw Brody and an unidentified U of H coed off a bridge simply because King had not wanted to be driven into oblivion with Prince at the wheel that night. This caused an estrangement between the two for approximately 24 hours. They reconvened the following day over "winter roasted brew" to discuss Prince's break-up with the savory liquid that made you as smart as "A Whip that could cross parallel universes, space, and time" but also completely devoid of logic, sympathy and understanding towards other living creatures. This discipline caused Prince to sorrowfully woe about how cold it gets on hot lonely Hawaiian fall nights. He kept comparing himself to Jason Segal's character from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" except that character could drink and was allowed to lament his lonely soul because it happened recently. Too bad for him Mila Kunis doesn't really live in Hawaii. Tebow drank lots of bland, healthy, rejuvenating teas and sustained himself on red wine, the snarky libertarian minded Fox News show Red Eye, Bukowski quotes supporting alcohol consumption, Modern Family season 2, and poorly rolled cigarettes that he seemed to be smoking every five seconds. This new discipline had made him even more curmudgeony, to the point where he basically skyped me that God is dead or was never really alive, and that his son was actually produced just like any of us, had no special powers except he was very nice and had a logical way of putting things verbally and that he got nailed to a piece of wood and died like any of us would or will, some day. Yet he still believed in everything he just told me he didn't believe in anymore.

With all that said, the recent smart phone war had made me cold, but I knew Mad Glen was right, it was time go back to Hawaii. It was warm and green and good. After we dropped Brotzman off at the Boise campus I was excited at the prospect of our rebooting The Rainbow Brody program. And frankly Glen now sort of looked completely sane compared to Prince and King. We had work to do. It wouldn't be easy; Brody and Tebow needed to face their demons, but I sensed with their rehabilitation, my philosophical smarts, and Mad Glens' three Heisman trophies and his WAY outside the lines of even abstraction thinking; we could go back in time one year, seduce Masoli into doing his grad work at our tropical paradise of academia instead of Ole Miss and save college football for the billionth time with something completely new to THIS universe, a National Championship for Hawaii and free laptops for anyone wanting to play on our squad. From what I have gathered, really good, dynamic quarterbacks love them, and they all play for the SEC.

Not next year though, this past season, done over again.

It WILL happen...or, has it already happened...?

TEAMS

by Idaho (Burbury) Chubbs channeling Jon Stewart's right to be serious


"This great evil. Where does it come from? How'd it steal into the world? What seed, what root did it grow from? Who's doin' this? Who's killin' us? Robbing us of life and light. Mockin' us with the sight of what we might've known. Does our ruin benefit the earth? Does it help the grass to grow, the sun to shine? Is this darkness in you, too?" - Witt (THE THIN RED LINE) 

There is something plaguing this world and it is "teams". I'm not talking about sports teams or a righteous cause that one believes in. I'm talking about association with a certain ideology that pinpoints a restricted line of thinking even though one might not agree with everything it has to say. We as humans yearn for an identity, something to believe in that can give us hope and goals, to get us through the daily grind of this vague existence, so we can feel like we matter. Sometimes it's not good enough to have a local identity with the actual people that we love or see every day. Sometimes we need to commune with all humanity in a positive or even negative manner, just to let them know that I matter in the scheme of things and even though I don't know what the fuck this whole life thing is, I'm gonna ROAR just the same. I understand this, but we need to fucking STOP IT! This isn't some preachy we are the world shit. I know we definitely ARE NOT. We never have been in our history on this planet. But I think we are the best now. Sure, some things never change, but aren't we the most civilized, on the whole, as we ever have been? But it's not good enough. It's not good enough for me, and it's not good enough for you, so we fight in many ways and on many levels. When my "WASPY" Episcopalian ass was growing up as a middle class kid on the gem-stoned banks of Long Island's North Shore, certain life/religious values were instilled in me. I was put on a "team" without my consent, but the thing is, as much as that team was discerning, it was quite open minded. It believed in a certain train of thought yet welcomed the challenging of that thought, even relating to the doubt of that belief. Through that method I was able to develop independent thoughts that conflicted with certain ways of thinking but were never dismissed. But make no mistake I was on a team religiously, it just took me some time to declare free agency; a free agency that resulted in my non-participation in this "take sides" society. A forever free agency if you will. Sure I have defined opinions about certain topics, but I'm always aware of the fact that as much knowledge of this world as I accumulate, the more I still know nothing about anything. And that is what many people don't understand about themselves. They believe whole-heartedly in what they believe in, or they believe in some things, have some doubts but still want to belong, be identified with a certain group. In my immediate life the religious conflict seems to be a non issue, unless you are a black and white extremist. People believe in their gods but they mostly interpret their spirituality individually, but cling to the organizations that might think otherwise. The clinging now seems to rear it's most ugly head when it comes to politics. I am a true novice when it comes to these matters but my brain grinds it's gears every day when exposed to Diane Rehm's near death voice, permeating my thoughts with information pertaining to said topics. My cerebral cortex cannot help itself but to THINK, to run all sorts of data that produce some half-thought. There are things happening everywhere, the Chicago Bears' record is a mirage, Israelis killed flotillas full of suspicious support in The Gaza, oil spill explosions have set the south's seafood economy back a decade as we try to figure out how to stop it (WE DID!)-("We're sorry"), as we try to blame SOMEBODY. George Steinbrenner died (and as sad as it is for someone to die, besides Stalin or Caligula, he got a memorial plague dedication that dwarfed Jesus's cross and made Babe Ruth's visage look like a little league participation trophy (wtf?). Democrats hate Republicans, Republicans hate Democrats, especially cause they're in office, vice versa. Independents have no back-bone, people seem to think that Libertarians are Republicans and The Tea Party seems to hate everyone except Sarah Palin? (Seriously I don't know much about it) Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber have reached the zenith of their exposition (I mentioned them, oh well), my fantasy football team shit the bed this week, The Catholic Church is corrupt, Heisman candidates love free laptops, The Boise State kicker (who is the leading scorer in his league's history) missed two field goals that youth soccer youths could make with their eyes closed, Fashion Week in New York lacked a truly original upstart designer but I loved G-Star's line of Canadian tuxedos, Devon Hester somehow made dreads into the coolest faux-hawk I've ever seen on a human-being, Gays can't marry everywhere yet, Is Louie CK the next Woody Allen except ya' know not as smooth (but more disturbing?)? Abortion is still an issue, GLEE is awesome, I'm starting to believe John Noble's Walter Bishop (TV show FRINGE) is my universal totem, Africa still has warlords, Lindsey Lohan's tweets about a sad sad life that I wish we'd all ignore, and Islam extremists won't stop exploding themselves until the entire planet is fucking a bunch of virgins in Elysium.


We have opinions about all of this, but we don't think we do. We are extremely well informed about a select few, but when asked about the ones we are not, we express our thoughts judiciously or we go from our gut. Both can have hazardous consequences. For me I go the way of the worm. But a nice, soft worm. I wiggle in and I find what you love and hate and I question all of that very subtly. I believe that I am nothing, but most people believe they are something, but sometimes I believe, that when we realize we do not matter, we can truly grow...or commit suicide. It's a fine, very blurred line. The world is swirling around us, out of fucking control and we look to grasp onto things, talking points even, so we can still keep our feet on this false, but, tangible ground. The distractions above hamper us. We want to solve everything, but are we willing to? No, not at all. But we think we can through identifying ourselves as being apart of some movement, mainly political or religious, or both. What I'd say, believe in our personal details. Let the rest of the fucking bullshit slide into the river Styxx. Stop wearing your issues on your sleeve unless you can be open-minded while possessing an inkling of what you are talking about. And if you do and your gut is hearkening you to make your accusations, assumptions and "I fucking stand for this"/"FUCK you if you don't? Know you're fucking shit. KNOW EVERYTHING! Because if you don't, you're wrong, or maybe right on some things, some earthly topics, but ultimately wrong. Just remember this; Saul became Paul; basically a Nazi became Anne Frank, except, ya' know lived and got his word out. We don't have to exemplify that extreme but I just urge us to think for ourselves but accept that other human beings think for themselves, and not necessarily agree but, just, give it thought. Let us at least TRY to understand, FUCKING TRY. If we don't, cool. If we do, ok. But let's be ourselves and not bow down to a "life team", because they just limit our capacity to explore our minds. I'm not saying don't believe in anything, I'm saying that you should try to see why other people believe in other things. Shit, maybe if we all did that, this world would be just a bit more civilized than it is now.