King Brody Assassinates Teddy Roosevelt...Almost - How THE UNFORTUNATES Saved College Football

by Idaho Chubbs (Thanks Chuck)

THWWWAAKKK!!! A tight fist of pent-up government sponsored bicep vein connected with my meager cheek bone as I failed to corral my friend King as he attempted a swan dive he had perfected off of a bar room table late one Indian-Summer like Saturday evening in The Fall of 1909. The pain regurgitated through my eye-sockets as I fell to the floor, blurring my vision while witnessing (seemingly in slow-motion) Brody land his vengeful blow on none other than the robust and heartily mustached face of The President of The United States, Theodore Roosevelt. They landed on the floor in such a way that left King straddling The President, leaving him vulnerable to Brody's repeated blows aimed at his G.K. Chesterton-like mid-section. Mind you all of this happened in a split of a split second. The last time I had seen King move that fast was when he won a gold medal in the shuttle run at the second Olympiad in Athens.

The Secret Service was on us like the 2008 USC defense, melding my bruised face to the rich mahagony  -planked floor that we had just been standing on, and enjoying, a moment before. "HOW DARE YOU CANCEL FOOTBALL!!!" YOU ARE AN IGNORANT FOOL!!! Brody drunkenly decried. "AND TO THINK, I ENABLED YOUR PRESIDENCY(1)!!! Sincere dread permeated my chest, perspiration seeped through the base of the follicles of hair resting right above my forehead. I stared at King as though he had stabbed me with the frozen vodka icicle Jack Lalane had used to murder Dr. Pedro which T2000 had then in-turn used to assassinate Lalane. Brody quickly realized his folly and quit struggling. The President slowly rose, hurt and terribly confused, "Who are you!? What is the meaning of this!? Take these two rapscallions to jail! he bellowed. "Wait!...wait", I said, "Please, my friend here has just indulged his sweet Nectar tooth with too many spirits this sorrowful night. For we came to Pasadena today for the same reason you did---to witness the rousing National Football Championship Match between the Hawaii Rainbow Brodys and your Harvard Crimson; only to find out that you are canceling college football, citing it as a criminal endeavor." "It tis true," Roosevelt replied, with tears welling up in his ducts. "After the passing of the thirty-three men this Fall, I had no choice. The game has become incredibly violent and my advisors and I do not have an answer on how to prevent such tragedy, yet keep the integrity of the sport intact. A truly sad day, but I see no way around it." Sheepishly, King spoke up, "Mr. President, I beseech you to reconsider. I also seek your forgiveness most humbly for my ignorant strike against you. I am terribly sorry for letting my emotions cloud my good and proper judgement. You can lock me up if you want, but please sir, do not do this, do not cancel this wonderful game. For if you will allow, I think I have the answer to our problem." Roosevelt studied Brody with suspicious delight, saying, "I accept your apology young sir, for I understand what the love of such a thing can do to something so delicate as the emotion of one self. To love something is a wondrous joy, but when that is taken away, your brain can serve as a grenade, exploding its lethal shrapnel in every direction, leaving nothing but construction-paper sadness." King and I suddenly looked at each other with befuddlement. The President smiled, "...and no one would want that. Now tell me, how can we keep this game afloat? A confused but confident King replied, "Legalize the forward pass. It will be the best innovation anyone has ever done for anything ever." Roosevelt looked hopeful when hearing this, his men released us, and we strolled to his car with three flagons of Nectar, settling in for the short trip that would take us to the game we had just helped save.


(1) During the presidency of William McKinley, approximately twenty years before the incident above, THE UNFORTUNATES had shared a strong disagreement with the annexation of Hawaii which interfered with their work in founding the University of Hawaii several years before it's original inception. By doing so they hypothesized that the football team would eventually have a stronger tradition by having Hawaiians play football earlier in history. Hence with sed tradition, Hawaiian players would not only stay local instead of going to USC and Notre Dame, but players of all ethnicities would flock to the crystal watered shores of this mountainous paradise for the next hundred years; therefore causing The Rainbow Brodys to have the amount of National Championships and Heisman Trophy winners that The Trojans and Fighting Irish originally had by the year 2010. Having Hawaii become apart of The USA so soon would have put a ton of red tape between THE UNFORTUNATES and the fulfillment of their quest. Judging from the annexation and seeing that Vice-President Roosevelt was a tremendous and devout fan of the sport, they decided, that their only choice was to facilitate his rise to The Presidency ASAP (unbeknownst to him?). T2000 found Leon Czologosz, psychologically massaged his anarchical tendencies and the rest is history...for now. 

Nightmare on Herbstreit VI: The Appalachian Trail

by Idaho Chubbs (ghost-written by Grady Tripp)


Granite palpitaions are riding Pegasaus' heart strings into the internal spectrum of Odysseus. What can I say? Penelope won't you be mine despite BLOW's disappointment? AAAAAAhhhhhh the mind folds are being turned inside out. Mucus fills the lungs and carreses them in a honey-dew serum that will soon kill me thanks to the cartons of "Tebow Candy Sticks" I have been inhaling this long sojourn---"Is Facebook dying?" Tut exclaimed. "Everything takes FOREVER to load. I can't even get SPORTS scores! I swear, I'm going to hurl this computer across the space time continuum until into smashes into Orien's Belt."

Polymer soaked duckbills tear at my soul's intestines. This journey hath wrought great pain to my compatriot and me; King Tut lost his wi-fi connection, and I couldn't get myself drunk enough to numb the burning ulcer of depression, longing, self-reflection, and the Hurricane's loss to Clemson the weekend before. It has been three months since "The Minotaur Incident". My sessions with Jung and Freud had gone well enough, but something was lacking; I yearned for some sort of clarity that had eluded me in that psychological forum. A conclusion was reached that I should hike the Appalachian Trail; the outdoors, the exercise, the absence of technology (especially time-travel), the melding of one with nature to truly find oneself. I had worked construction a few years back on The Tower of Babel and the forman of our crew, Jeremy, informed me that he had done the same thing with some frat buddies after they graduated college. The experience worked wonders with his psyche, although he discovered mid-trek (through people he met on the trail) that the reason they had strapped on this adventure was to find the wondrous and elusive Temple of Berg (as in Peter) which contained a single golf glove he had used while playing a nine hole round with "The Great One".  

So I grabbed my camping gear, loaded up the Delorean with plenty of rations, drove to August of 2009, pulled Tut, not-so willingly, out of his first semester at Bard (telling the school it was a "family matter"), and we set out on The Appalachian Trail to find ourselves, and just maybe, the ancient Temple of Berg, for what awaits us (fingers crossed) is nothing short of glorious suicidal dreams that dance across the milky way, hoping, for one brief mili-second, to be reborn in death, but still, not die.

"Get ahold of yourself Tut." I said, "The trappings of modern technology have made you lazy and obnoxious. Man, some-fucking-times I really regret saving you from getting murdered and overthrown. I saw your three thousand year-old corpse my first go-around with time-travel and it was not pretty...except for all the gold and jewels---Anyway, just be patient, I want to see if USC and the Yankees won just as much as you do." Just as these words escaped my mouth, Tut spotted a Starbucks, which by some miracle, was not a mirage. Despite our weary state we made haste towards the internet/sports/coffee beacon of hope.

HUDSON! HUDSON! HUDSON!, INSTANT REPLAY! INSTANT REPLAY! INSTANT REPLAY! A-Rod breaks out of his World Series slump and smashes a camera all at the same time. Cole Hamels, go hump a cheese-steak! Is Hideki Matsui the most sinister looking dude ever? I bet he's really a nice guy; much like Sato is at the end of Karate Kid II (MIIIYAAAGGGIII!!!). Hey refs in the Iowa/Indiana game, over-turning a call involves conclusive evidence. Every other human being in the galaxy understands that except you! They were both touchdowns in my mind, too bad the Hoosiers tanked it to keep Iowa undefeated. Everything about the Big Ten is disgusting, except for the font of the word "Illinois" on the "The Fighting Illini's" helmets. Tate Forcier is officially not a "true" freshman, or maybe he is? It can go both ways can't it? Well, he's young. The SEC is a little less gross judging from Florida's performance against Georgia. Or maybe it's just the Gators who are less deplorable. Watching Tim Tebow play is weird--he runs over everybody, does whatever he wants, even THROWS for touchdowns, and all I think is, "Is this guy even a good athlete? I'll be so surprised if anyone drafts him".  On second thought the SEC is still ugly due only impart to Georgia's black helmet, red face-mask combo and Tennessee's black jerseys. They may have slaughtered South Carolina, but what the fuck made them want be an uglier looking team than the Oregon Ducks? Which brings me to the USC/Oregon game. The Ducks have about ten million different uniform combinations that when seen, make you want to commit suicide ten million different ways. But I'm sure the designers get loads of praise at Fashion Week. Despite their questionable androgeny, the Pygar-looking-Bowsers pasted the prickly Trojans, racking up 613 yards of total offense handing them their worst loss since Hades beat Olympus back in the 60's. The quarterback, Jeremiah Masoli (a community college transfer), and "False Freshman" running-back LaMichael James, who are both about 5'9" 105 pounds, used and abused the vaunted, "look how many pro prospects we have" USC defense, doing whatever, running wherever they pleased. The Trojans "D" looked like a DIII team the size of DI team getting mauled by a DI team that is the size of a DIII team. Hey Taylor Mays, you are suppose to wrap when you tackle. You are a shame to the Jewish faith, you are over-rated, and you are a softy. I am personally going to go back in time and revoke your Bar Mitzvah. Maybe Boise State (who beat Oregon), Cincinnati, and The Hawkeyes can win a National Championship. Anything is possible. It's time for a playoff system NCAA, and instant replay loves A-Rod. Hopefully the MLB will love it one day too.

Refreshed and motivated by our toasty caramel macchiatos and SPORTS, King Tut and I set out into the depths of the wild, in search for "The Temple of Berg", but more importantly, for the spiritual nutrients that will give our souls meaning in this uncertain existence.