by Idaho Chubbs
The sly fury of AKON blares in my ears as I realize that the NCAA has been the bane of my existence for too long, their inconsistent rules, their moral high ground, punishing athletes for stuff that has nothing to with their accomplishments on the field. Reggie Bush could have owned ten mansions while in college, I could not care less. If Miami Hurricane players want to wear camou for the rest of time and do sweet gun-slinging touchdown dances and then exit the stadium right after, please let them. Or even a subtle example of an official (demon) putting the "HURT" (hehehe) on Jake Locker's euphoric ball toss to the heavens after scoring an emotional TD makes my blood boil. Let's pay the players, or not, whatever, let's get fucking corrupt. Everyone do it, and at least we'll all be on the same level; much like Major League Baseball for the last 20 years (put everyone in the Hall of Fame. Barry Bonds still had to make contact with ball, which is really hard). Then the stupid Sloor Bowl system that screams insanity in the face of every kind of sports logic we as a world have come to know. But it's tradition, much like everyone getting a trophy after little league season, every college team gets their own "Little Championship .com Outback Circuit City Apple Iphone Citrus Nacho Tortilla Fiesta Guacamole Bowl".
But none of this compares to the shunning of my favorite player since Jesus Christ, by this evil empire. Jeremiah Masoli has made some mistakes in his day. Hey how many of us could resist yanking a Steve Jobs mobile computer top if it was staring us down, telling us to free it from some meat-head frat dude's room because he was just wasting it's imovie/photoshop capabilities, only using it for endless porn consumption? He should be rewarded! And he got caught with some nectar grass last spring, but let anyone who has not sipped from the sweet aromas of this weed ever in their lives cast the first stone. There is nothing wrong with enjoying oneself in such a manner; it is the system that is truly at fault, yet Jesus Christ Masoli suffers the THE MAN's wrath once again. Like many athletes before him he searched for institutions where he could further his thirst for academia (he's majoring in getting EXTRA work on the show "Parks and Recreation") and sport. I'm not sure if anyone in this realm saw him play USC last year, but I thought I was watching an early 20th Century Expressionist artist use a hundred yards of hybrid turf as his canvas, performing an honest to ME masterpiece. Much like Monet, who executed his "water lilie" visions later in life, Masoli is far from being done. He has so much more mind-altering art left to give (I want to see him shred college football defenses in his 70's too). "The Nutt" and the REBELS wanted to be the Theo to his Vincent in the worst way. Well maybe better than Theo (Van Gogh sold 1-2 paintings when he was alive and it took him 3 days to die after shooting himself....). With seasonally early Nectars in hand we were all ready to imbibe and witness the wonder of his new group show in the gallery of Ole' Miss that would drip with foliage-making inspiration. I can still remember the joker smile in my brain at the thought! But not so fucking fast, here came the NCAA yester-eve to censor yet again something/someone truly special and unique. If you can make me cry Barry Sander tears after a ten yard gain, you should be able to smoke as much weed and steal as many laptops as you want. I mean Salvador Dali use to push servants and fellow students down long flights of stairs for sheer delight. Do we care? Not at all. His Last Supper painting made me want to actually be at The Last Supper as Jesus or Jesus's brain dream of Judas betraying him (Don't believe what you hear, JC planned everything).
The NCAA has left me no choice. I will travel back in time with King and put an end to them and bowl games before they ever exist. Don't get into semantics with me bowl enthusiasts, you won't be cognizant of the fact that they ever existed after my work is done. This will just add to my previous mission of building up the University of Hawaii football program to replace the glory Notre Dame/USC/Ivy League/Army/Navy powerhouses of nostalgic yore with the aid of Teddy Roosevelt and King in the early 20th century. What's more of a bonus is that Masoli will never have to deal with any hierarchy of narrow minded coaches named Herr Kelly (you suspend a star RB for an entire season for one measly "tap" on the cheek). It's called PASSION!!! The creative Samoan will play for me and the 27 time outright National Champion Rainbow Brodys. By the time I'm done with the little league trophy loving entity you will have never even heard half of the powerhouses of this age and I'll still be older than "JoePa", and I will have won four more titles with Masoli as my QB artist, the best one of this young age.
this is epic. and intense.
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