by Idaho Chubbs (Thanks Chuck)
THWWWAAKKK!!! A tight fist of pent-up government sponsored bicep vein connected with my meager cheek bone as I failed to corral my friend King as he attempted a swan dive he had perfected off of a bar room table late one Indian-Summer like Saturday evening in The Fall of 1909. The pain regurgitated through my eye-sockets as I fell to the floor, blurring my vision while witnessing (seemingly in slow-motion) Brody land his vengeful blow on none other than the robust and heartily mustached face of The President of The United States, Theodore Roosevelt. They landed on the floor in such a way that left King straddling The President, leaving him vulnerable to Brody's repeated blows aimed at his G.K. Chesterton-like mid-section. Mind you all of this happened in a split of a split second. The last time I had seen King move that fast was when he won a gold medal in the shuttle run at the second Olympiad in Athens.
The Secret Service was on us like the 2008 USC defense, melding my bruised face to the rich mahagony -planked floor that we had just been standing on, and enjoying, a moment before. "HOW DARE YOU CANCEL FOOTBALL!!!" YOU ARE AN IGNORANT FOOL!!! Brody drunkenly decried. "AND TO THINK, I ENABLED YOUR PRESIDENCY(1)!!! Sincere dread permeated my chest, perspiration seeped through the base of the follicles of hair resting right above my forehead. I stared at King as though he had stabbed me with the frozen vodka icicle Jack Lalane had used to murder Dr. Pedro which T2000 had then in-turn used to assassinate Lalane. Brody quickly realized his folly and quit struggling. The President slowly rose, hurt and terribly confused, "Who are you!? What is the meaning of this!? Take these two rapscallions to jail! he bellowed. "Wait!...wait", I said, "Please, my friend here has just indulged his sweet Nectar tooth with too many spirits this sorrowful night. For we came to Pasadena today for the same reason you did---to witness the rousing National Football Championship Match between the Hawaii Rainbow Brodys and your Harvard Crimson; only to find out that you are canceling college football, citing it as a criminal endeavor." "It tis true," Roosevelt replied, with tears welling up in his ducts. "After the passing of the thirty-three men this Fall, I had no choice. The game has become incredibly violent and my advisors and I do not have an answer on how to prevent such tragedy, yet keep the integrity of the sport intact. A truly sad day, but I see no way around it." Sheepishly, King spoke up, "Mr. President, I beseech you to reconsider. I also seek your forgiveness most humbly for my ignorant strike against you. I am terribly sorry for letting my emotions cloud my good and proper judgement. You can lock me up if you want, but please sir, do not do this, do not cancel this wonderful game. For if you will allow, I think I have the answer to our problem." Roosevelt studied Brody with suspicious delight, saying, "I accept your apology young sir, for I understand what the love of such a thing can do to something so delicate as the emotion of one self. To love something is a wondrous joy, but when that is taken away, your brain can serve as a grenade, exploding its lethal shrapnel in every direction, leaving nothing but construction-paper sadness." King and I suddenly looked at each other with befuddlement. The President smiled, "...and no one would want that. Now tell me, how can we keep this game afloat? A confused but confident King replied, "Legalize the forward pass. It will be the best innovation anyone has ever done for anything ever." Roosevelt looked hopeful when hearing this, his men released us, and we strolled to his car with three flagons of Nectar, settling in for the short trip that would take us to the game we had just helped save.
(1) During the presidency of William McKinley, approximately twenty years before the incident above, THE UNFORTUNATES had shared a strong disagreement with the annexation of Hawaii which interfered with their work in founding the University of Hawaii several years before it's original inception. By doing so they hypothesized that the football team would eventually have a stronger tradition by having Hawaiians play football earlier in history. Hence with sed tradition, Hawaiian players would not only stay local instead of going to USC and Notre Dame, but players of all ethnicities would flock to the crystal watered shores of this mountainous paradise for the next hundred years; therefore causing The Rainbow Brodys to have the amount of National Championships and Heisman Trophy winners that The Trojans and Fighting Irish originally had by the year 2010. Having Hawaii become apart of The USA so soon would have put a ton of red tape between THE UNFORTUNATES and the fulfillment of their quest. Judging from the annexation and seeing that Vice-President Roosevelt was a tremendous and devout fan of the sport, they decided, that their only choice was to facilitate his rise to The Presidency ASAP (unbeknownst to him?). T2000 found Leon Czologosz, psychologically massaged his anarchical tendencies and the rest is history...for now.
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