The more I watch TV, the more I LOATHE teenagers ( = the most selfish sloors on the face of the universe). So when Jezebel and I finally conceive I will give her "The 1-21 pill". The result will be a baby living the first year of life, cute, chirpy, cuddly and yes, it will keep us up till dawn's bright fiery eye most nights, but the cuteness will balance that, like it does for all couples. But then on it's first birthday, the baby will become a fully functional 21 year-old, mature enough to exist in a civilized society, have intelligent conversations with, catch up on the sports scores, movie or latest Mother Nature disaster over a Nectar in a group setting, and they can go to college or get a job, or both; and they’ll actually understand that those are the only two options, and that will be O-K. No terrible 2’s, or weaning off of breast milk, no unrelenting nagging, or behavior that puts you in situations any choice you make is wrong (“you’re too hard and easy on them, smother them, don’t smother them,”), your friends will only have to look at a year’s worth of baby pics on Facebook, not 10; and when the kid turns 1/21 they will get their own profile! What’s so great about them being one too, is that they can’t really go anywhere (like out into street to wave to a car that’s about to crush them), or physically harm you (head-butt to groin, they plain just smack you on their way to a meltdown...nap) or insult you, because they can’t talk!!!...SO GREAT, and when they can talk they will already be a polite, caring and rational human being.
I know what you’re thinking, “Chubbs, what about little league, having a catch, the weird toddler phrases that we think are genius-ly adorable that I can put as my Facebook status, my dream of being a psychotic stage parent, teaching them to ride a foot cycle properly, and making them watch inane cartoons so I can catch one second of something that resembles a sane earthy moment?” My answer is simple, just take (after partner consultation) “The 1-10-21 Pill”. I don’t need most of those experiences, but if you so choose you can get them when the child is the age of one decade without actually being a decade old*. They are aware of rules, are still cute (to high school girls; I was at least), can talk but are respectful. You can give them nurturing cozy hugs when they get hurt (crying is still acceptable and not vexing because it usually means they are actually in physical pain, not whining about something completely insignificant) and they will make you feel important by asking you all sort of questions, and your answers can be mostly truthful (“Dad who made God?”, Me – “T2000 and I did for our high school science fair. Earth and the resulting aftermath escaped our original calculations”), but they will know when to stop because they will have some sense of logic unlike children ages 1-6. The periods between one, ten and twenty-one, no one will miss, including the child, am I right? Especially awkward junior high anxiety into teenage self-centered-ness into not understanding that this adult human who gives you everything is in fact a human too, has a life, and should be treated in a polite and dignified manner. Teenagers like toddlers, overall, do not understand this concept and never will. And if the “pimply-faced-goth-punk-jock-preppy-art-nerd/ musically, inclined goody toosho rebel without a cause BMOC loser shut in with no friends on a Friday night” sloor-kid wants to use the argument against your request for a morsel of gratitude, decency and respectful behavior, that, “Well I didn’t ask to be born”. You can say, “That can be arranged, better yet, your new baby brother will be your new older brother in almost two years, and I’ll finally have someone to knock some sense into that thick skull of yours without it being illegal. That’s what brothers do right?”
* Most ten-year olds are capable and loving humans, but if your child is remotely like Prince Tebow at that age, put them in their room, tell them you’ll be right back, and find the nearest space-ship launching pad and get the hell off of earth. Or you can just ship them to Antarctica . Not even my worst enemies, let alone a kindly person should suffer such a horrific experience.
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