by Idaho Chubbs
College football has taken some interesting turns the past month. Fashion Week uniforms finally debuted in robust density. Pitt and West Virginia clashed as if both were tussling for touchdowns on a runway in Chelsea. Ohio State tore apart Rich Rodriguez's chance at reclaiming his job next fall with their candy red apple helmets and long gray socks. The Beavers from Oregon State verses the Ducks from Oregon gave me the sense that I was witnessing a 1950's Princeton Tiger football team battle winged alien pewter-colored rats with "O"s burned into the side of their diamond encrusted heads. My lust for ridiculously clad football playing college humans had been quenched.
On to the BCS dilemma and the futile match-ups that are in store for our viewing displeasure five weeks from now. Boise State still has people second guessing them because their kicker could not hit some chip shots. What league are they moving into next year again? "The Mountain West Adirondack Appalachian Sun God Division"? Seems like it still won't matter. Auburn escaped The Crimson Nick Saban Traitors (Who hasn't been betrayed by this football coaching Benedict Arnold? I didn't grow up in the French Quarter of Jefferson purchased land or see my childhood pass me by in Miami's bird cage, yet even I want Saban to meet a fate that rivals any Greek Tragedy) after being down 24 points, and Oregon's uniforms keep getting weirder and they keep winning. Wisconsin is putting basketball scores up, and might beat anybody right now, but we'll never know due to the wonderful BCS. But they are playing TCU and if the Horned-Frogs beat the Badgers, then we will give them respect...no we won't, still a weak schedule. I'm sure that joining The Big East will take care of that...? College football is such a mess, but wait we do have the Sun Bowl with The U and Notre Dame, "Catholics vs Convicts", or maybe "Good students who play football reasonably well" vs "Better athletes who graduate now, don't get in trouble, and have no chance of winning national championships". Sorry Randy Shannon, good grades don't win BCS football crystal.
Kyle Brotzman immediately departed for Hades once Nevada kicked the winning field goal to annihilate any chance of his team going to a BCS Bowl. Mad Glen and I were down there getting some refurbished laptops out of storage when I encountered a football playing kicker crossing The River Styxx with Charon.
"Hey Charon", I said. "He's coming back with us."
Brotzman looked confused and forlorn. He could not even think about facing the world, especially his Boise brethren after missing two field goals that both pretty much equalled extra point distance. I told him I understood, but it was a momentary lapse and that even if they had gone undefeated there would have been no national championship, which pretty much was the last zenith of progress Boise could truly achieve.
"Besides, you stand to make loads of USA paper currency in the NFL for kicking a football every now and again one day a week. Come with Glen and me, it's time to get you back home to Idaho.
So Boise lands itself in a game vs Utah--The Las Vegas Bowl. I believe the well rounded student-athletes in South Bend crushed the Utes earlier this year. This will definitely be a game for the ages, 56-10 Broncos. Ohio State vs Arkansas, wonderful; over-rated QB vs over-rated QB. Both wear about 5 leg braces right? Mallet sealed his fate against Alabama, and that horrible red-neck-red sox facial hair beard isn't doing anyone any favors. How much better is Cam Newton than Pryor?--bigger, taller, faster, can pass quite well, and no ugly knee braces, AND plays for Bo Jackson's school, which is way cooler than Eddie Georges' alma mater. Hmmm Oklahoma vs Uconn--Are the Huskies the new Boise? Probably not and I would actually like to see Landry Jones and Kellen Moore shoot it out against each other, but alas, the BCS can't even get good bowl match-ups. Ok, we got it, no playoffs, even though people on Mars want it, but at least give us decent football games to enjoy. Stanford vs Virginia Tech seems ok I guess. I wonder when the Hokies are going to get over that hump and run a different offense so they aren't the same team that is good every year but can't win a National championship. You're never going to find Michael Vick again, even someone related to him is NOT him. Move on and grab a sweet pocket passer, you will be awesome.
So suffice it to say, I will probably be watching, count them, two bowl games; the national championship and "Catholics vs "Wish they were camouflaged Convicts Again" for nostalgia purposes. But what I have not talked about is that I will be coaching in one bowl game as well. I know what you're thinking, Hawaii vs Tulsa in The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, nope, King Brody and Prince Tebow have those duties. Both have been the coaches for quite some time, but their slacking and preoccupation with their personal identities has caused the storied Rainbow Brody's program to bleed into an inception nightmare where they are not so good and get slaughtered by Boise; when in my realm they should be the ones doing the slaughtering. A decade ago Mad Glen and I left, and even though Hawaii sort of, kind of tied with Nevada and Kellen Moore as league champs, it is simply not good enough.
King Brody's match.com Norewgian reality show shenanigans with ivy league porn stars, that even Carl Jung's Red Book would be ashamed of in his wildest Xanex dreams, had caused him to lose focus on his coaching sports prowess. His bout in coming to grips with some sort of balance between fiction and reality was starting to eat away at his mind. He mostly lived inside his head, but his actual head always existed in reality, even though physically it was quite small and could be missing from literal human viewpoint if he was seen wearing a mascot uniform without the mask (which he often did on third match.com dates accompanied by a spot on "Ray Lewis pre-game exultation Nectar Dance"). When not frightfully insecure about his relationship with the opposite sex and them thinking he was an incarnation of Patrick Bateman's character playing-self, he was frightfully and horribly SECURE when getting the smallest shred of a positive signal from one. When a real life human woman fell head over heels for him, King Brody literally transformed into a combination of The Dark Lord Cthulu and Character the Bear's five split personalities' playing non, AND character versions of themselves simultaneously as they became one entity who resembled something along the lines of John Mayer meets Hugh Hefner meets Bradley Cooper meets Satan's version of a orphaned son who was sold into indentured servitude by his mother. He would become so secure in fact, that when a woman desired his company in the bedroom, for conversation or even a casual glass of wine while making short snuff films with his 1995 digital camera, he would recoil with sociopathic glee because any female in want of his physical as well as mental form, was surely insane. He would never belong to a club that would have him as member. On the rare occasion where he found himself feeling normal people feelings, wanting acceptance or something resembling a "I like like you" sentiment, he would send late night flowers to the club that he wanted to join. But they never would accept him, hence King wanting to belong even more. This was, is, and always would be his tragedy.
As King was feebly attempting to rejoin the human race Prince Tebow was feebly attempting to cut himself off from it. His favorite activity of self-nectar gassing with the melodious Manhattan combination of Clearly Canadian whiskey, lusciously sweet vermouth, and embittered cherry juice jubilee had reached an all-time high (straight vodka pretty much did the trick too), to the point where he almost threw Brody and an unidentified U of H coed off a bridge simply because King had not wanted to be driven into oblivion with Prince at the wheel that night. This caused an estrangement between the two for approximately 24 hours. They reconvened the following day over "winter roasted brew" to discuss Prince's break-up with the savory liquid that made you as smart as "A Whip that could cross parallel universes, space, and time" but also completely devoid of logic, sympathy and understanding towards other living creatures. This discipline caused Prince to sorrowfully woe about how cold it gets on hot lonely Hawaiian fall nights. He kept comparing himself to Jason Segal's character from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" except that character could drink and was allowed to lament his lonely soul because it happened recently. Too bad for him Mila Kunis doesn't really live in Hawaii. Tebow drank lots of bland, healthy, rejuvenating teas and sustained himself on red wine, the snarky libertarian minded Fox News show Red Eye, Bukowski quotes supporting alcohol consumption, Modern Family season 2, and poorly rolled cigarettes that he seemed to be smoking every five seconds. This new discipline had made him even more curmudgeony, to the point where he basically skyped me that God is dead or was never really alive, and that his son was actually produced just like any of us, had no special powers except he was very nice and had a logical way of putting things verbally and that he got nailed to a piece of wood and died like any of us would or will, some day. Yet he still believed in everything he just told me he didn't believe in anymore.
With all that said, the recent smart phone war had made me cold, but I knew Mad Glen was right, it was time go back to Hawaii. It was warm and green and good. After we dropped Brotzman off at the Boise campus I was excited at the prospect of our rebooting The Rainbow Brody program. And frankly Glen now sort of looked completely sane compared to Prince and King. We had work to do. It wouldn't be easy; Brody and Tebow needed to face their demons, but I sensed with their rehabilitation, my philosophical smarts, and Mad Glens' three Heisman trophies and his WAY outside the lines of even abstraction thinking; we could go back in time one year, seduce Masoli into doing his grad work at our tropical paradise of academia instead of Ole Miss and save college football for the billionth time with something completely new to THIS universe, a National Championship for Hawaii and free laptops for anyone wanting to play on our squad. From what I have gathered, really good, dynamic quarterbacks love them, and they all play for the SEC.
Not next year though, this past season, done over again.
It WILL happen...or, has it already happened...?
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